Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
You Might Also Like
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
do what now??
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Leaving the Barbers like
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.