taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
You Might Also Like
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Worst Native American name ever.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.