Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’m crying im so happy for them
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?