Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*lint rolls you awake*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though