My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
what could possibly go wrong?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Has there ever been a more American story?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint