houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
bury ourselves
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.