I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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he chose this
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun