I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Left at a local drug store…
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Real House Wines.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣