[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.