California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
any last words?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”