I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us