When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango