Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*