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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic