When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
we all know this pain all too well
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week