Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: Iβm just a good old fashioned country boy, I ainβt need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine maβam
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kidsβ nanny
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
friend: βhowβs life?β
me: βeverythingβs on track thanksβthe track:
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, β¦ And donβt forget to leave us a five star review.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like βdefiantly getting a chinese tonightβ and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: letβs throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, βI came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??β
My kids didnβt follow me into the bathroom so now Iβm scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.