ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?