Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.