Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
necessity is the mother of invention
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
🤣🤣🤣
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.