Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.