Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2