What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Those are good neighbors.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Breaking news:
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?