A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Thoughts
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Saturday
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”