There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”