Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Breaking news:
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.