I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?