tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
You Might Also Like
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
#merica
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday