[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”