*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?