God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Mornin
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car