“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that