Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!