JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now