A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Pickled cat.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.