I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon