Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
You Might Also Like
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
#oldknees
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.