Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
this is so top tier i cant
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
NASA has no chill
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians