Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.