Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers