I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*