I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.