5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
calling in to work dehydrated
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot