There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I triple waxed for this?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.