as is their right
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.