i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Just a bush.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
6. me as a lawyer
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
do horses think humans are hats
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.