My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I’m not proud
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.