“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Children of the corn 🌽
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans