Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*