“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters