Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”